Top 10 Statements I Yelled Out This Year:

10. That doesn’t make any fucking sense

9.  What’s the fucking point

8.  What the fuck is your fucking problem

7.  Fucking crazy bitches

6.  Oh fuck, where the fuck are my keys

5.  I don’t know how much longer I can take this abstaining thing for

4.  I’m gonna fucking lose it

3.  Oh my god, somebody kill me please

2.  I fucking hate people

 
. . . and the #1 statement I yelled out this year:

    Fuck, I need a fucking beer

Lost . . .

with this whole xanga thing.  i haven't communicated with anyone through this in a while, so i don't know why i'm writing here, but hopefully you guys still remember me.

Update . . .

i've been really down and out for a while.  my computer has many viruses so i don't go on msn anymore, and i should really just get a new computer.

i've been going to therapy.  my sister was afraid that i'm bipolar.  i have crazy energetic and euphoric ups.  i had a nervous breakdown.  i hate the world.  i hate myself.  i depend on alcohol to make me feel ok with myself.  but, as it turns out, i am not bipolar.  those crazy ups may in fact just be normal me actually feeling content and excited about something.  it only seems bipolar because i am, more often than not, down.  i have major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and lack of assertiveness. . . so far.  i am not embarasses or ashamed, i'll save those feelings for the rest of my existence.  i don't want your pitty, it's more of an explanation.  it explains a lot.

work sucks.  fall is always slow in this business.  plus, i frequently feel the urge to hurt some one, and i usually end up telling the boss to fuck off.  i expend so much energy trying to defend him, and time and time again he proves that everyone is right, he's a fucking asshole. . . i hate money. . . i hate competition.  i see the worst in everyone.

school sucks.  i'm so far behind.  i can't concentrate.  i have no motivation.  i feel destined to fail.  everyone is trying to help me.  i am ungrateful.  everyone trying to help me just makes me feel more guilt and shame.

i've met lots of boys. . . 2 of them stand out. . .

jonathan, who i met at crowbar on saturday, is the lead singer for perkins.  when i met him i was very drunk.  i couldn't even stand.  i had to hold his arm and his freddy kruger glove for balance.  he was adorable.  but he's from montreal.  we've chatted through myspace a bit.  he seems very nice. . . nice guys finish first.

matt, who i met during one of our promotions at the state theatre, is an electrician.  when i met him i was very drunk.  he called me the next day and i couldn't remember what he looked like, but i remembered thinking that he was cute.  we went for dinner, beer, and pool on thursday last week.  he's very sweet, and very cute.  he's the perfect gentleman.  he's perfect, but he's only 22, and we have little in common.

my mind is chaotic.  i can't organize my thoughts,  i can't control my mood, my memory is terrible.  i actually can't remember what matt looks like anymore, but, hopefully i will see him tomorrow.

i think this therapy will work.  that is the one think i am hopeful about.  there's a lot of homework though, so i have to try to stay disciplined, which has been impossible lately.  i don't want to stop drinking.  i can't imagine being myself without alcohol.  i can't imagine falling asleep normally without alcohol.  i can't imagine feeling good without alcohol.  i hope they don't tell me i have to stop drinking.